This week is about adolescent mental health. Let’s do this!
Today’s newsletter (below) is about parenting teens in times of distress.
Today’s podcast is an interview with the wonderful adolescent psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour about her new book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. Listen here for tips and pearls of wisdom!
In this week’s Q&A, I welcome your questions about teen mental health and parenting. Submit your question here!
I recently saw a patient who reported feeling helpless and scared about her teenage daughter, who seemed sad, stressed, and inclined to spend a lot of time in her room alone.
Fanning the flames of my patient’s worry was new data from the CDC, showing that “nearly 3 in 5 (57 percent) U.S. teen girls felt persistently sad or hopeless in 2021” which is “the highest level reported over the past decade.”
The headlines about this data put my patient into a tailspin. She reported tossing and turning at night and feeling distracted at work, imagining worst-case scenarios and wondering what she could possibly say or do to help her child.
It turns out that my patient is not alone. Parenting through pandemic has been its own special purgatory. The restrictions on young people during COVID—plus the attendant feelings of loss and uncertainty—added fuel to the fire of teen despair. As a parent myself, I can vouch for the physical and emotional effects of watching a child suffer. What parent isn’t undone when their child is on the fritz? What parent doesn’t feel responsible in some way for their child’s pain?
But as difficult as it is to avoid, riding the roller coaster of our kids’ despair isn’t good for our health. Please note: I’m not saying that it’s easy to detach from our kids’ pain—hardly! I’m saying we have to try.
We are not defined by our kids’ minute-to-minute wellbeing. We are the integrated sum of complex parts. Health is about having awareness of data and the stories we tell ourselves, acceptance over the things we can't control, and agency over our life.
My advice to my patient?
To better understand the CDC data before hitting the panic button. As Lisa Damour explains on my podcast this week, teens are indeed suffering, but the reporting on the CDC data has been misleading. First, the most recent CDC dataset reflects the fall of 2021. What teen wasn’t somewhat miserable when their school and social lives still weren’t back to normal? Second, it’s important to note that teens talk about their feelings in very different ways—and sometimes not at all. Selection bias and the inherent subjectivity of how teens label their experiences naturally will have affected the CDC data. To be clear: my point isn’t that teens aren’t suffering; they are. It’s that we must be careful not to freak out when our child is under duress and instead try to meet them where they are.
To collect more data on her daughter’s situation. If, for example, she was isolating from friends, skipping school, or inexplicably losing weight, that might indicate a more serious mental health condition. But if, for example, her daughter were to admit to a recent dust-up with friends, that might explain her dip in energy and mood. As my upcoming podcast guest Jessica Grose explains in her recent New York Times opinion piece, “It’s up to adults to listen and figure out how to interpret what we hear without over-pathologizing our adolescents’ emotions.”
To accept a few hard truths:
Kids are indeed suffering. Even the U.S. Surgeon General has spotlighted teen mental health—and for good reason. The combination of loneliness, social media, school-related stress (and prolonged closures!!)—plus the existential threats like climate change, racism, and gun violence—are some of the myriad reasons that teens seem to be experiencing increase levels of emotional distress.
It’s also normal to go through ups and downs as a teen. It’s normal for parents to worry. The problem is when our worry conveys a message to our child that they’re abnormal or that they aren’t equipped to handle hard things. I can personally attest that threading that needle is exceedingly difficult!
It’s also normal for adolescents to crave privacy and alone time. Boundary-setting is part of the normal developmental process for teens.
Parents are often the last people our kids want to talk to when they’re struggling. In fact, trouble-shooting difficult feelings without the help of a parent is often what lays the foundation for developing healthy coping skills.
To work on the areas where she has control:
To trust her instincts. In this era of the professionalization of parenting, it’s easy to feel inadequate and to doubt our parental wisdom. But we must remind ourselves that we know our kids better than most—and that we can trust our intuition.
To acknowledge that her child's emotional health challenges are not a result of poor parenting or personal weakness but is instead a complex interplay of biological, psychological, and environmental factors. We are doing the best we can—full stop.
To provide non-judgmental support. To try replacing her natural parental anxiety with dispassionate gestures of support. For example, instead of inquiring, Honey, do you think you’re depressed?, perhaps say, I’m here for you no matter what, without any expectation of a reply. As psychologist Stella O’Malley suggests in her new book What Your Teen Is Trying to Tell You, signaling to your child that you’ve got their back without a specific agenda can open the door for communication down the road.
To practice active listening. As Dr. O’Malley also suggests, instead of immediately jumping in with suggestions for your teen on how to feel, think or behave, learn to “scale the wall of silence.” Fighting our parental instinct to fix is exceedingly difficult. But giving our teens the space they need builds rapport and trust between us.
To learn about the difference between healthy stress and the kind of stress that takes over their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. And to educate her about anxiety, depression, and substance use disorders in teenagers to gain a better understanding of her child's experiences and provide more effective support. I highly recommend Lisa Damour’s new book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, as a start. It’s also never a bad idea to seek professional guidance on parenting. As I tell my own kids, asking for help is a skill.
To prioritize her own mental health and model self-care. For example, you might say something like, I had the most stressful day at work. I’m going for a long walk to help me feel calm. “Walking the walk” of healthy coping strategies at home through activities such as exercise, mindfulness, and social support can help us manage stress and maintain emotional balance. Caring for ourselves also signals to our teens that we value our mental health like we do theirs.
To be patient. Offering non-judgmental support, practicing active listening, and resisting the instinct to fix can make five minutes feel like five years! The process of self-discovery is slow and difficult to watch. But our love (and our mere presence in our teens’ lives) is the glue that holds them together.
What advice would you give a parent like this? What are your best parenting tips? I’d love to hear from you!
If you are a parent searching for answers—or a teenager yearning for tools to understand yourself better—look no further!
Dr. Lisa Damour is a New York Times bestselling author, podcast host, clinical psychologist, mother, and all-around brilliant human. Her new book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, is an essential guide for parents and teens.
Lisa sits down with me to discuss the recent CDC data on teen mental health and common misconceptions about anxiety, distress tolerance, and how parents can help their teens cope with the ups and downs of adolescence.
As always, I welcome your feedback and comments! Even hitting the “like” button lets me know you’re reading!
Kindly share this post far and wide! Let’s help more parents know they’re not alone!
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are entirely my own. They do not reflect those of my employer, nor are they a substitute for advice from your personal physician.
Adolescent Mental Health & Parenting