Are You More or Less Social Than You Were Before COVID?

Human Connection is Healthy

ICYMI 👉

• Five Things to Do When You Get COVID

• How to Ditch Bad Habits for Good

• Five Steps for Making Difficult Decisions

• Dr. Devorah Heitner on Parenting in the Digital Age

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I recently took an informal poll among a few dozen of my patients. Given the myriad health benefits of human connection, I wanted to know if they would describe themselves currently as MORE, LESS, or SIMILARLY SOCIAL when compared to pre-pandemic times.

(I’ll ask you the same thing, right here👇)

Only ten percent of my patients reported being “MORE social” then they were in 2019. For those who reported being LESS social, I asked them: “What keeps you from getting together with other people, in person?” (Interestingly, no one said COVID.)

Here are some of the responses:

• “I’ve forgotten how to prepare food for other people. I can barely remember how to arrange crackers on a plate!”

• “My house is a mess. I’d be embarrassed for anyone to see my kitchen.”

• “It’s been so long since I saw [person X]. There would be too much to catch up on.”

• “I’ve gained weight.”

• “I have nothing to wear.”

I’ll be the first to admit that socializing with other humans sometimes can feel like too much effort. I enjoyed some of the forced solitude of the pandemic. I’ve nurtured my inner introvert so much that I’ve started talking to my cat.

Of course some amount of alone time is healthy, but the potential harms of loneliness and social isolation are real. I continue to witness the emotional, physical, and mental health fallout of the last few years in my patients.

And while social media serves its purpose, it obliterates the important emotional energy between us. There’s no substitute for in-person human connection.

The late philosopher Martin Buber stated it well: “Our relationship lives in the space between us—and it is sacred.” Nurturing that “third space”—the place where relationships grow—is essential for our health.

Which is why this weekend was particularly special for me. I spent it with four childhood friends (pictured here!) and, as a result, feel a renewed sense of energy and hope.

So I hope you’ll join me in my vow to dismantle some of my own reflexive emotional barriers to seeing human beings in person.

I will try to remember that:

No one is coming to my house to critique the food or to inspect for cobwebs. They show up for the company (and to avoid having to cook!) In reality, people seem more relaxed when the vibe is casual and the kitchen is messy.

The mere presence of an old friend—no matter how long it’s been—can fortify a relationship more than the exchange of words. There’s less pressure to “start from the beginning” when you’ve committed to just being together. That third space is powerful. Let it breathe!

I never regret spending time with people who love and accept me for who I am. Who has time to posture or to show up as anything but oneself? Adulting includes accepting ourselves for who we are—flaws and all—and being comfortable revealing our whole selves to other people.

The glue that holds healthy relationships together is shared vulnerability. When we let down our guard, when we laugh and cry at once, we strengthen our human bonds. Emotional intimacy takes courage, but it is critical for our health.

As daylight dwindles and the winter chill sets in, we may be tempted to hole up more and more at home. While of course this can be completely healthy (who doesn’t love a cold winter’s night with a book?), it’s important to make sure we’re being honest with ourselves about our needs. Let’s be sure to ask ourselves if we’re avoiding the most basic human need of all: each other.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed here are entirely my own. They do not reflect those of my employer, nor are they a substitute for advice from your personal physician.

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