The Tangney finding on shame predicting reoffending is one of the most useful empirical anchors we have for something clinicians often see in the room. People organized around shame rarely change through information, encouragement, or even insight alone. They begin to change when the room feels safe enough that shame is no longer the most efficient way to remain hidden.
What I find clinically tricky is that shame and guilt rarely arrive separately. They come bundled, and the bundle shifts in real time. A person may feel guilt about a behavior, then shame about having that guilt, then slowly build a self-story in which the behavior starts to feel like proof of who they are. By the time they sit across from us, several layers are already in place, and the work is not just to distinguish guilt from shame in theory, but to slow the whole process down enough that the person can notice what is happening.
That is also why “shame reduction” is so hard to operationalize. It is not simply something the clinician does through better language, though language matters. It becomes possible when the patient experiences, repeatedly, that being seen does not lead to being abandoned.
What I appreciated most in this conversation is the reminder that change does not begin with willpower or insight alone. It begins with the conditions under which honest self-observation can survive.
A fantastic talk! So relatable. Looking forward to reading You’ve Changed..
Love this thoughtful conversation! Something I think about all the time...
The Tangney finding on shame predicting reoffending is one of the most useful empirical anchors we have for something clinicians often see in the room. People organized around shame rarely change through information, encouragement, or even insight alone. They begin to change when the room feels safe enough that shame is no longer the most efficient way to remain hidden.
What I find clinically tricky is that shame and guilt rarely arrive separately. They come bundled, and the bundle shifts in real time. A person may feel guilt about a behavior, then shame about having that guilt, then slowly build a self-story in which the behavior starts to feel like proof of who they are. By the time they sit across from us, several layers are already in place, and the work is not just to distinguish guilt from shame in theory, but to slow the whole process down enough that the person can notice what is happening.
That is also why “shame reduction” is so hard to operationalize. It is not simply something the clinician does through better language, though language matters. It becomes possible when the patient experiences, repeatedly, that being seen does not lead to being abandoned.
What I appreciated most in this conversation is the reminder that change does not begin with willpower or insight alone. It begins with the conditions under which honest self-observation can survive.
Lucy we love and miss you. Thought you’d like to see some of Julie work
Deniro and uber.
Thank you for such a beautiful discussion.
Is it self actualization or just self awareness.?
www.salmizindagi@substack.com