Last week in my office, I took an informal poll among patients. I wanted to know about any barriers they might have to resuming more normal, in-person social interactions given the myriad health benefits of human connection.
I asked them: “What keeps you from getting together with people in-person, if anything?” (Note: None of them said COVID.)
Here are some of the responses:
“My house is a mess. I’m embarrassed for people to see the piles of laundry and stacks of paper.”
“I’ve totally forgotten how to cook. I can barely remember how to arrange crackers on a plate!”
“It’s been so long since I saw [person X]. There would be way too much to catch up on.”
“I’ve gained weight.”
“I have nothing to wear.”
I’ll be the first to admit that when I’m feeling stressed or out of practice, socializing with other humans can feel like too much effort. Like many of you, I secretly enjoyed some of the forced solitude of the pandemic. COVID gave many of us permission to loaf around the house in yoga pants on Friday (and Saturday) nights without guilt.
Of course some amount of alone time is healthy, but the potential harms of loneliness and social isolation are real. I witness the emotional, physical, and mental health fallout of the last few years in my patients. (Hence my question). And while Zoom serves its purpose, it completely obliterates the emotional energy and the subtle, non-verbal cues between us. To state the obvious: there’s no substitute for in-person human connection.
The late philosopher Martin Buber stated it well: “Our relationship lives in the space between us — and it is sacred.”
In other words, our relationship doesn’t live in me or in you or even in the dialogue between the two of us – it lives in the space we live together. Nurturing that “third space” — the place where relationships grow — is essential for our health.
Which is why this weekend was particularly special for me. I celebrated my birthday with friends and family (some are pictured here!) and, as a result, feel a renewed sense of energy and hope.
So I hope you’ll join me in my vow to dismantle some of my own reflexive emotional barriers to seeing human beings in person.
I will try to remember that:
No one is coming to my house to critique the food or to inspect for cobwebs. They show up for the company (and to avoid their own lousy cuisine)! In reality, people seem more relaxed when the vibe is casual and the kitchen is messy.
The mere presence of an old friend — no matter how long it’s been — can fortify a relationship more than the exchange of words. There’s less pressure to “start from the beginning” when you’ve committed to just being together. That third space is powerful. Let it breathe!
I never regret spending time with people who love and accept me for who I am. Who has time to posture or to show up as anything but oneself? (That’s what middle school was for.) Adulting includes accepting ourselves for who we — flaws and all — and being comfortable revealing our whole selves to other people.
The glue that holds healthy relationships together is shared vulnerability. When we let down our guard, when we laugh and cry at once, we strengthen our human bonds. Emotional intimacy takes courage, but it is critical for our health.
As daylight dwindles and the winter chill sets in, we may be tempted to hole up more and more at home. While of course this can be completely healthy (who doesn’t love a cold winter’s night with a book?), it’s important to make sure we’re being honest with ourselves about our needs. Let’s be sure to ask ourselves if we’re avoiding the most basic human need of all: each other.
It turns out that I’m not the only internal medicine doc who believes in the power of human connection.
On the podcast this week, our Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, shares with me his personal experience with loneliness and how he came to see healthy relationships as the foundation for emotional health. He also discusses the distinction between loneliness and isolation; the mental health toll of living through a pandemic; and his new initiative to foster mental well-being in the workplace.
I was mightily impressed with his soulful honesty. I hope you’ll have a listen to our convo!
As always, my newsletter subscribers get early access to the pod every Monday night before the official Tuesday launch. Give it a listen now on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you find podcasts.
Please take a wee minute to rate and review the pod — and share it widely!
I will see you next week. Until then, be well.