What moved me most here, especially after reading Tom’s comment, is how easily medicine can underestimate the biological weight of loneliness until it appears as something else: fatigue, anxiety, poor sleep, loss of motivation, worsening habits, or the slow erosion of a person’s willingness to care for themselves.
Connection is often spoken about as if it were a pleasant addition to health, something good to have after the “real” medical work is done, but in daily life it is one of the conditions that makes health possible. People do not usually change, heal, or endure difficulty in isolation. They need to feel held somewhere, recognized somewhere, expected somewhere.
That is why the “achieve, acquire, optimize” model feels so incomplete. It gives people targets, but not necessarily belonging. It gives them metrics, but not necessarily meaning. And sometimes it turns health into another lonely performance project, where the individual is asked to perfect themselves without being restored by anyone.
What I appreciated in this conversation is the reminder that relationships are not decorative around medicine. They regulate stress, protect attention, make suffering more bearable, and give people reasons to keep participating in their own care.
Maybe the deeper question is not only how to help people live longer, but how to help them remain connected enough that a longer life still feels inhabited.
The older I get (now 80), the more I've come to realize the importance of social connection. My late wife who was a marriage and family therapist for many years, always pushed me to understand that. Unfortunately I didn't truly come to understand this until after her death just over 3 years ago. Loneliness is maddening. And while I'm still not the great socializer my wife was, I'm out of my cave and developing relationships on a daily basis
Again, as I usually think, but not always write, WOW! I live in a 3-stage retirement community with the motto "Life Refreshed." Making friends as a child, teen, college student, and in a career was relatively easy. But in my current demographic - 78 YO - not so much; have lost contact with old friends, classmates, teammates, and colleagues. Being in a community helps to facilitate socialization, often with new people in my life, and I cherish that. Some people even in this community are almost hermits and do not receive the benefits of socialization. I am active physically - socially, especially pickleball - walk neighbors' dogs, attend lectures and try to be as available and friendly as possible. But for some people, for whatever reasons, it is not easy to be out there and be sociable.? How does an institution, a community, a small group, members of a neighborhood, an individual try to help people to come out of their cocoons and be a part of the community? I include this on some of the multiple levels of society so that the possible multitude of responses can accommodate all of them, even ones I have not included.
What moved me most here, especially after reading Tom’s comment, is how easily medicine can underestimate the biological weight of loneliness until it appears as something else: fatigue, anxiety, poor sleep, loss of motivation, worsening habits, or the slow erosion of a person’s willingness to care for themselves.
Connection is often spoken about as if it were a pleasant addition to health, something good to have after the “real” medical work is done, but in daily life it is one of the conditions that makes health possible. People do not usually change, heal, or endure difficulty in isolation. They need to feel held somewhere, recognized somewhere, expected somewhere.
That is why the “achieve, acquire, optimize” model feels so incomplete. It gives people targets, but not necessarily belonging. It gives them metrics, but not necessarily meaning. And sometimes it turns health into another lonely performance project, where the individual is asked to perfect themselves without being restored by anyone.
What I appreciated in this conversation is the reminder that relationships are not decorative around medicine. They regulate stress, protect attention, make suffering more bearable, and give people reasons to keep participating in their own care.
Maybe the deeper question is not only how to help people live longer, but how to help them remain connected enough that a longer life still feels inhabited.
The older I get (now 80), the more I've come to realize the importance of social connection. My late wife who was a marriage and family therapist for many years, always pushed me to understand that. Unfortunately I didn't truly come to understand this until after her death just over 3 years ago. Loneliness is maddening. And while I'm still not the great socializer my wife was, I'm out of my cave and developing relationships on a daily basis
Good for you, Tom!! Keep stepping out of that cave! :)
Thanks. And thanks for your great articles. Much appreciated
Again, as I usually think, but not always write, WOW! I live in a 3-stage retirement community with the motto "Life Refreshed." Making friends as a child, teen, college student, and in a career was relatively easy. But in my current demographic - 78 YO - not so much; have lost contact with old friends, classmates, teammates, and colleagues. Being in a community helps to facilitate socialization, often with new people in my life, and I cherish that. Some people even in this community are almost hermits and do not receive the benefits of socialization. I am active physically - socially, especially pickleball - walk neighbors' dogs, attend lectures and try to be as available and friendly as possible. But for some people, for whatever reasons, it is not easy to be out there and be sociable.? How does an institution, a community, a small group, members of a neighborhood, an individual try to help people to come out of their cocoons and be a part of the community? I include this on some of the multiple levels of society so that the possible multitude of responses can accommodate all of them, even ones I have not included.
This resonates so beautifully with me. Thank you both for taking the time to share your views on big problems in health, well-being, and fulfillment!