Be Nice to Yourself
MEDICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE
Let’s face it: we’re riding an emotional roller coaster.
One day we’re texting funny memes to friends, soaking in the glorious fall weather, and smiling at strangers through our masks. The tape in your brain pleasantly plays the “I’m a good person!” and “I’m going to be okay!” tracks.
Then suddenly the next day we’re face-planted in bed, angry at the world, and crying over a cold pumpkin spice latte. “Alexa!!!” you scream through your pillow. “How many more days are left in 2020?!”
Six months into the pandemic with no clear end in sight, it’s not so easy to regulate our emotions. We want to be nice to ourselves and others, but our empathy tanks are low and our emotional gears stripped. What is wrong with us?!?
Recall that we are wired for survival. (See my COVID 201 course on COVID-related anxiety.) The “fight or flight” stress hormone axis is built into our bodies to protect us from danger. But under stress—and particularly the variety of sustained, unpredictable, and seemingly unending stress we are facing now—our anxiety hormones can flood our rational brains and hold our logical thoughts hostage.
So what exactly happens to our thought patterns under stress? They become DISTORTED.
Let’s revisit the most common varieties of distorted thinking:
Black-or-white thinking - not seeing a possible middle ground. Example: “I’ve gained 10 pounds during the pandemic, so why bother trying to eat healthier and exercise when I’ll probably gain a gazillion more?” or “I can’t make it more than two days without alcohol, so why even bother cutting back?”
Catastrophizing - jumping to the most extreme outcome. Example: “The pandemic is never going to end, and my [weight, dating life, work situation, marriage, family dynamic] is only going to get worse over time.” “The pause on the AstraZeneca vaccine trial means we’ll never get a vaccine and we’re all SCREWED.”
Filtering - sorting through masses of information and latching on to the specific ideas that reinforce a personal fear. Example: “Now that a participant in the AstraZeneca coronavirus vaccine trial got a neurologic illness, I’m certain that vaccines are dangerous.”
Blaming - either taking blame for things you can’t possibly control, or holding others responsible for your emotional pain. Examples: “My child is distressed and disorganized because I’m a lousy parent” or “Angela made me feel bad for socializing with friends during a pandemic.”
Projection - attributing our own negative feelings to other people rather than owning our feelings. Example from above: You YOURSELF might be feeling guilty for socializing with friends inside a crowded bar and are blaming Angela instead. (Please note that if Angela had INDEED intentionally shamed you, she is probably hitting a nightclub this evening and you can forget about what I just said about projection.)
And last, my personal favorite flavor of distorted thinking:
“Shoulds” - the list of self-imposed rules for how one should live his/her life, whereby breaking a rule can lead to judgment, shame, guilt, anger or anxiety. People often associate “shoulds” with self-motivation, when in fact the script you’ve written for yourself can promote self-shaming and misery. Example: “Now that I have more time away from the office, I should be able to [train for a marathon, stencil my own wallpaper, write a book, save baby dolphins].”
So now that you understand how the irrational brain works, just how sneaky and convincing it can be, and what a flood of emotions can do to rational thoughts, let’s talk about solutions.
BECOMING AN ANXIETY NINJA: How to combat distorted thinking and win the war against your own fake brain news.
Step 1: Admit you are human, that you are susceptible to anxious thoughts, and that YOU, like most people under stress, have distorted thoughts. See them, own them, then deal with them.
Step 2: Fact-check your thoughts. When we follow facts, we quiet fear. For example, where is the EVIDENCE that:
You can’t make changes in your habits by starting slow and forgiving yourself for imperfections?
The pandemic will last another decade and your relationships aren’t workable?
No one will resume dating when single folks are released from captivity?
Vitamins D and C are fully protective against COVID-19?
Your risk for COVID-19 goes down the more you expose yourself to risk and don’t get it?
There is a causal relationship between AstraZeneca’s vaccine and neurologic problems?
Your parenting skills are the ONLY reason your kid is discombobulated?
Angela was trying to make you feel bad?
You have to be perfect or your life will fall apart?
Working from home during a pandemic makes training for a marathon and penning a novel a breeze?
Step 3: Practice self-compassion. Be nice! This is a pandemic!! We all get gnarly thoughts when stressed. Welcome to the club!
Pictured here is the Periodic Table of Human Emotions in my office. Take a look—or buy your own pocket version—to broaden your emotional lexicon and deepen your emotional intelligence. Because our emotions and thoughts are in constant communication, identifying our emotional state du jour can help us make sense of all the noise up there! Have fun.
I will check in later this week. Until then, be well.