Tip of the Day: Give Yourself and Others Some Grace
I was in the supermarket this weekend when the woman in front of me in line completely lost it.
She couldn’t locate her wallet to check out, and what began as frustrated rummaging through her purse became a frenzied shower of profanities and foot stomping. Those of us in line behind her exchanged glances. I took one for the team: I smiled and said to this lady, “It’s okay — take your time.” She turned to me and looked like she wanted to punch me in the face.
While I think most of us in the grocery line wondered silently, “What in the heck is wrong with this woman?,” after over two years of a global pandemic, we may have more in common with the fiery shopper than we’d like to admit.
The American Psychological Association reports that stress among Americans has reached “alarming levels.” Last week the American Academy of Pediatrics — along with other expert groups — asked the White House to declare (once again) a federal state of emergency for child and adolescent mental health. The social, economic and political upheaval of the last two years combined with the losses and uncertainty of COVID is nothing short of trauma.
No two people will have the same pandemic story, nor will the same events affect anyone exactly the same way. But it’s not a coincidence that the rates of obesity, opiate overdoses, and alcohol-related deaths are up during this tumultuous and socially isolating time.
It’s what some medical professionals, including myself, are calling “post-pandemic stress” which is not an official diagnosis (nor does it mean that COVID is gone!) but is characterized by anxiety, mood instability, and mental exhaustion that is interfering with quality of life.
I witness the full spectrum of this trauma response among my patients. I feel it myself. Some of us lean on friends; others seek solitude. Some rigidly adhere to strict diets; others binge on alcohol or sugary foods. Some grieve quietly; others lash out on social media — or at the supermarket — in anger. As trauma specialist Dr. Gabor Mate said, “Trauma is not what happens to you, it's what happens inside you.”
Isolated for over two years, we’re being forced to confront our interior worlds — and each other.
No matter how one processes loss, this transition out of this pandemic requires us to face uncomfortable truths about ourselves. We must normalize any feelings of despair and face our self-sabotaging behaviors to more appropriately direct our angst.
Healing from the psychological toll of the past two years and rebuilding healthy relationships requires embracing our vulnerability. It requires accepting that we will not have all the answers, and that some questions simply don’t have one. To do so, we must embrace the practice of “holding paradox.”
Holding paradox is about abandoning black-or-white thinking. It involves reframing our mindset to view issues as “both-ands” instead of “either-ors.” It’s about approaching each day with an open, curious mind, instead of the impulse to predict, control, or win every argument.
A few concrete examples to ponder:
Instead of assuming you are incapable of change — whether it’s quitting booze or starting an exercise program — set small, realistic goals and don’t beat yourself up when you can’t meet them.
Instead of telling yourself, “I’ll never lose weight after two years of reckless eating and little exercise,” remind yourself that even a walk around the block counts as exercise; a weekend of over-indulging doesn’t erase all your healthy choices during the week; just because you drank too much on Saturday night doesn’t mean you can’t start again today with your vow to limit alcohol.
Instead of telling yourself, “The relationship with my [friend/brother/daughter] is never going to be repaired,” apologize for anything you regret saying or doing (and mean it!) and, when calm, invite a conversation with that person, leading with empathy and curiosity about how they’re feeling. Express to them how much your relationship matters to you.
Instead of harshly judging a friend or loved one for bad behavior, ask them what’s really going on. Listen to their story. Empathize and try not to fix. Allow that person to be seen and heard.
Instead of focusing on the negatives in your life, remind yourself how strong, capable, and loved you are. Write down a list of things you’re grateful for, the “wins” of the week, and the things you’re looking forward to.
As we reclaim the contours of regular life, we’ll see the angry shopper at school meetings, at the dog park, and in our social media feeds. We might be that foot-stomping person ourselves. Acknowledging the universality of struggle opens the door to self-compassion and improved relationships. It’s also good for our health.
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This week on the pod! Political commentator, best-in-class podcaster, and President Obama’s Head Speechwriter, Jon Favreau, talks openly about the lessons learned from social isolation during COVID.
Jon sheds light on his own mind — specifically his phone addiction — and what he learned about his emotional health during the pandemic. As a new dad, COVID forced Jon to reckon with his everyday habits and his relationship with technology. With heartfelt honesty, Jon shares his struggles — and how human connection improved his health and well-being.
As always, my newsletter subscribers get early access to the pod every Monday night before the official Tuesday launch. Give it a listen now on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you find podcasts.
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I will see you next week. Until then, be well.