Your Holiday Survival Guide: Part 2

Parenting & prioritizing your mental health: a conversation with Dr. Aliza Pressman

Dec 18, 2023

ON LETTING GO AT THE HOLIDAYS

Dr. Pressman:
What's the balance between indulging around the holidays and completely letting go to the point of actually causing harm?

Dr. McBride:

Great question. It’s of course normal to celebrate and let your guard down during the holidays. So, it’s important to be kind to yourself when you stray from your internal script about being “good.” It’s okay; you’re human.

That said, it’s important to treat our bodies with kindness and respect. The holidays can take a toll on our mental and physical health. Last week I wrote a Holiday Survival Guide - Part 1 to help people prepare for the following holiday inevitabilities: 1) COVID, 2) alcohol, 3) food, 4) sleep, 5) exercise, and 6) socializing. If there’s one piece of advice I give my patients (and myself) this holiday season, it’s to have a plan before you end up in a pickle!

ON THE RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD AT THE HOLIDAYS

Dr. McBride:
My adult patients who struggle with their eating habits find the holiday season particularly challenging. What suggestions do you have for parents who themselves are struggling to manage their urges to restrict, binge, and/or feel ashamed about their own choices when talking with their children about food at the holidays?

Dr. Pressman:

We know that what we say and do is the most powerful teacher for our children. How you talk about and treat your body will speak volumes to your children and so will how you talk about other people’s bodies. Here are my top 5 tips to support a healthy body image this holiday season (and more in a Substack post here):

Avoid making negative comments about your looks.
Try not to comment on other people’s appearance or eating habits.
Stay away from diet talk, even if it is about health. Zip it!
Change the cycle in your family by talking to grandparents about these issues so they don’t make comments either.
When in doubt, remember that our bodies are instruments NOT objects. If you catch yourself objectifying others, reframe immediately.

Dr. Pressman:
Lucy, for your patients who struggle with disordered eating, how do you advise them NOT to pass this condition onto their children?

Dr. McBride:

Let’s acknowledge that many people struggle with their relationship with food, especially at the holidays. So, for people with disordered eating, it’s first important to recognize that they are not responsible—nor are they to blame—for every aspect of their children’s thoughts, feelings or behaviors around food.

That said, our kids observe everything we do. They watch how we eat. They hear how we talk about food, bodies, and weight. They see us glancing in the mirror and skipping dessert. Whether they admit it or not, our children look to us for ideas of what to do—and what not to—around food.

So, I suggest being honest with yourself about your own relationship with food, your body image, and the ways in which diet culture might be informing your choices of foods and words. And then to make corrections where able. Better yet, talk with your children about your own vulnerabilities around food and eating. Without burdening them with our dirty laundry or making them anxious, being honest with our kids builds trust and opens the door to non-judgmental conversations.

ON PERFECTIONISM

Dr. McBride:
In the modern era, parenting has almost become a competitive sport! What advice do you have for parents who want their child’s holiday to be “perfect” (when we all know it can’t be)?

Dr. Pressman:

On top of everything else we are challenged by, parenting has become commodified. It therefore makes sense that parents would try and make holidays perfect. Notice if this pressure is consuming you, and remind yourself that parenting isn’t a game to be won. One of the chapters in my book is called Perfect Parenting is the Enemy of Good Parenting. Inherent in the message of perfect parenting is the idea that perfection is attainable and therefore expected. It isn’t! If you are unwilling to let go of the idea of the perfect holiday, here is another way to think about it—imagine the burden it puts on your child. If your child feels burdened to make the holiday perfect for you, it both negatively influences the holiday for them, and reinforces the misguided belief that perfection is an achievable goal. Mistakes and missteps are opportunities for growth, and without them learning is not possible. This is not to punish parents who are perfectionistic, but instead to inspire parents who are trying desperately to do right by their kids to consider an adjusted approach.

Dr. Pressman:
How do you see perfectionism playing out among your adult patients, in terms of their health this time of year?

Dr. McBride:

Perfectionism is a negative coping tool that people use (often subconsciously) to manage fear of rejection or criticism, even from themselves. The inherent problem is that nothing in life is perfect! And trying to create a perfect holiday or even a perfect cheese board is an exercise in futility. It only breeds anxiety and angst. And for some people, the constant state of vigilance around a moving goal-post of imagined “perfection” can make them sick. Hyper-alertness and “vigilance” is a state of increased stress hormones, with cortisol and adrenaline peaking. That stress lives in our body and can cause symptoms such as racing thoughts, insomnia, and an accelerated heart rate.

How to beat perfectionism? Start with self-compassion. You are doing the best you can! Just because your neighbor’s holiday lights or your friend’s holiday outfit look snazzier than yours doesn’t mean you’re “failing”; it means you’re human! Step two is identifying and challenging negative thoughts associated with perfectionism. Step three is rewarding yourself for letting things go—and witnessing the fact that the world still spins on its axis (and your heart rate is a little calmer) when you turn the volume down on your internal critic. Of course, if perfectionism significantly impacts your health and well-being, it’s important to consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance and strategies.

ON ANXIETY

Dr. McBride:
As a parent myself, I remember those humiliating moments when you’ve done everything you can to get your kids ready for a holiday party—usually with doting grandparents—and then everyone starts melting down in public. What do you tell parents who feel “public performance anxiety” about their kids during the holidays?

Dr. Pressman:

With compassion, take a breath and acknowledge that it is totally normal to have “performance anxiety” about your parenting in front of friends and family. We have all been there. Once you’ve accepted that this is what you are feeling, you can stop berating yourself. It is just a feeling and feelings aren’t dangerous or wrong. They just are. Now that you’ve had a moment to reflect and accept, ask yourself what really matters to you about the holiday. In the big picture, whose memories do you want to focus on? If it’s your kids (and your own), go ahead and let go of the expectation of performance (even if it makes you a little uncomfortable). On the other hand, if you are seeking your family's approval, instead of shame spiraling, acknowledge this very real feeling and move on.

Dr. Pressman:
Can you talk about the stress response in an adult body and physiological ways to let your system know you’re safe?

Dr. McBride:

It’s important to recognize that stress not only affects us emotionally; it also has physical, behavioral, and cognitive ramifications, too. We are wired for survival, so when we’re faced with a threat, our stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) increase. As a result, hearts race and palms sweat. Our sleep and our digestion become more irregular. We gravitate toward comfort foods and drinks. Our thinking becomes distorted. We marinate in “What ifs” and “Oh my God”s and worry about our health.

Of course stress is a normal part of life; but when stress hormones are released inappropriately and/or they are activated for long periods of time, we become wired and tired and sometimes get sick.

To regulate the nervous system, it’s first important to understand what’s happening in your body, and to realize it’s normal. Next, I suggest things like taking deep breaths, getting outside in nature, moving your body, and distracting yourself by snuggling with a pet or taking a warm shower. It’s also important to talk back to anxious thoughts, fact-checking them with reality, and to ask for help if needed.

Dr. McBride:
Aliza, what are three things you wish you could tell every stressed-out parent as we head into the holiday season?

Dr. Pressman:

Your children don’t remember the details, they remember the feelings. So focus on the big picture whenever you can.
Ask yourself—when your children are laughing, do you ever worry that they will always laugh? Probably not. Similarly, when your children are unhappy, let go of the worry that they will always be unhappy. Feelings are temporary.
All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. You can accept your child’s feelings AND help them to express themselves in a different way while setting healthy limits.

ON 5 PRINCIPLES OF PARENTING

Dr. McBride:
How can we use the 5 Principles of Parenting to help us navigate all of the other inevitable moments that come up this holiday?

Dr. Pressman:

Whenever you’re faced with a parenting moment that overwhelms you, remember that you can call on these 5 principles. They are all within your reach and can help you to refocus on what really matters. If you can come back to these principles more often than not (notice that I didn’t say all the time), you really can’t go wrong.

Relationship. Lean into connection and make sure that your relationship with your child comes first.
Reflection. Pay attention to what is going on in your body and mind when you start to feel unhinged. Chances are, it has more to do with things from the past then the present.
Regulation. Take a breath and remember that you are not under attack. Reminding yourself that you are safe, even if you are uncomfortable, will help you co-regulate with your child.
Rules. Rules include boundaries (essentially rules to yourself in relation to others), expectations that you have for your child, and limits around what behaviors are acceptable.
Repair. Make repairs with both yourself and your child when you’ve had a hard moment. The repair is what allows for growth.

ON THE POWER OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

Dr. Pressman:
What are the surprising things you have learned as a primary care doctor about how we can positively affect our kids’ health?

Dr. McBride:

As someone who sees young adults as patients, it’s always impressive to me how resilient they are—and, at the same time, how valuable it is for them to feel unconditionally loved. In my experience, having non-judgmental support from parents and caregivers is a key ingredient in a young person’s health.

Of course it’s normal for parents to worry about their kids. (Trust me, I do it well!) The problem is when our worry conveys a message to our child that we don’t trust them or that they’re ill-equipped to handle hard things. And while it may be true that we might not fully trust them and/or we would do things differently, providing our kids with non-judgmental support allows them the opportunity to try and fail and try again. As psychologist Stella O’Malley suggests in her book What Your Teen Is Trying to Tell You, signaling to your child that you’ve got their back without a specific agenda can open the door for communication—and actually wanting your advice!—down the road.

Your Holiday Survival Guide: Part 2

Parenting & prioritizing your mental health: a conversation with Dr. Aliza Pressman

ON LETTING GO AT THE HOLIDAYS

ON THE RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD AT THE HOLIDAYS

ON PERFECTIONISM

ON ANXIETY

ON 5 PRINCIPLES OF PARENTING

ON THE POWER OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

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