What I needed most was this heartfelt and instructive post. I am sorry for your loss though you haven’t asked for empathy / that’s part of our healing process.
Thank you so much for this post. I just turned 69, my husband has a fairly recent (1 year ago) dx of Parkinson’s and we are heading into new territory. It has taken me most of a year to integrate this new reality into my way of being in the world. Fortunately I have followed many of the lessons of your past posts into my daily life/routine. The serenity prayer, and prayer each morning with gratitude foremost. Exercise regularly with swimming and poster yoga (increased my bone density 6.4% over last scan 3 years ago. Staying connected to my beautiful community, eating healthy and nutritious food incorporating 60 grams of prose a day. Prioritizing sleep, bed at 10, awake at 7, morning sunlight on my face and eyes with my first cup of coffee outside. Your posts are so reassuring and help nudge me in a positive direction. Learning to care for myself as much as I care for others.
Thank you for this. It helps me to know that people are doing more than just reading these posts - but actually are taking steps! You are doing all the right things for yourself - and, as a result, I believe you will be a better caregiver and spouse. All the best to you, Karen.
What I needed most after losing a son to cancer and then my second oldest son to alcohol was my family. I found some peace and reflection on life through my youngest granddaughter who is in my life daily along with my wife of fifty years, Daughter and youngest son. Thank God we are a close family and share so much of life together.
Everyone should post this on their refrigerator It's a survivor -thriver manual in one page. Thank you for the exquisite distillation of the most significant wisdom and information on personal crisis management.
I appreciate very much Dr. Lucy’s writings and always read them. This time I have an observation to make. The oposite of sel-indulgence is self-discipline and the oposite of self-awareness is self-ignorance.
I am so very sorry about the death of your brother. I have often wrestled with whether a sudden loss is worse than a long and drawn out illness that results in death. Grief hits hard! I also feel as though it comes in waves, especially when you least expect it. When I lost my husband (Glioblastoma), the thing I remember most is how people immediately gathered around, but after the funeral, they seemed to all disappear. They picked up their lives where they left off while my life had come to a screeching halt. This is certainly not meant to be a criticism; it’s simply the way it is. I didn’t want to burden others about how I was hurting, so I basically powered through it all. The best thing I did was to talk to a wonderful therapist, who I credit for saving me. There is just no right or wrong way to deal with grief or to predict how long it will last. Eventually, we will all be faced with loss and grief. My heart goes out to you with compassion for what you are currently experiencing. Thank you for sharing with all of us.
Ah... what a year. Lost my dear husband on January 8th. My mom died on September 10th BUT my beautiful granddaughter was born on September 3rd. Perhaps life cycle events too tightly compressed... One thing I can not stress enough is how much the spousal grief counseling groups at the Wendt Institute helped me.
This is a post to print and keep on the refrigerator/bulletin board by a desk, within reach for whenever needed. My condolences to you on your brother’s death, and thank you for sharing with us, and writing this post.
What a great post, my partner recently lost his beloved younger brother, and whilst it was an extremely difficult and painful experience for the whole family it most definitely brought us closer together as a family and there was a moment during the funeral when my partner was overcome by grief and our young daughter took his hand and put her arms around him and it was quite beautiful to see that budding maturity and compassion in our child ❤️
This is a powerful post! Letting go of what we can't control really does create space for what we can focus on, like our reactions and choices. It is incredibly freeing to channel your energy into things that truly matter. This has made a huge difference in parenting my adult children. It took years of therapy and a wonderful support system that includes my amazing internist (: Thank you for hitting the nail on the head, again.
Well I guess I'm that Orthodox Jew you mentioned that's brushing off the Serenity Prayer. How I love its message!
As most of the world knows too much (or too little?), country (Israel) and nation (Jews everywhere) have been in crisis since October 7, 2023, which is quite a while. And it doesn't seem to be wrapping up anytime soon, either.
In my own Substack publication, The Healthy Jew, I've been sharing strategies for what I've come to call our "war for wellness" - the active choices we can make to live well during challenging times. I even just published my best insights into a book called "Land of Health: Israel's War for Wellness."
What I'd like to emphasize here is that living well under crisis doesn't mean getting everything right - that we can (maybe) do when things are calm. It's about doing something concrete to be actively choosing wellness for myself instead of watching everything unravel.
I myself haven't been perfectly following my own advice on how to eat, exercise, relax, and sleep. But I've been making sure to reach out for help, and every day to invest time and effort in my own health and wellbeing.
May you and all of humankind find peace, serenity, and consolation.
I share your grief, as I too lost my younger brother suddenly just before Christmas last year. I will keep your post in mind to help me get thru the anniversary. Love to you.
Lucy, once again, so timely and coincides with what I'm writing about. Have you heard of wind phones? I'm mentioning them in my next post: https://www.mywindphone.com/
The idea began in Japan and is now in the U.S., too. xo
What I needed most was this heartfelt and instructive post. I am sorry for your loss though you haven’t asked for empathy / that’s part of our healing process.
I am so glad. And thank you. Empathy is always lovely - and welcome :)
Absolutely agree. Serenity prayer is a mainstay in my life. Beautiful honest caring post, Lucy! ❤️
Thank you
Thanks for your post. Your advice is very much appreciated and timely.
very glad
Thank you so much for this post. I just turned 69, my husband has a fairly recent (1 year ago) dx of Parkinson’s and we are heading into new territory. It has taken me most of a year to integrate this new reality into my way of being in the world. Fortunately I have followed many of the lessons of your past posts into my daily life/routine. The serenity prayer, and prayer each morning with gratitude foremost. Exercise regularly with swimming and poster yoga (increased my bone density 6.4% over last scan 3 years ago. Staying connected to my beautiful community, eating healthy and nutritious food incorporating 60 grams of prose a day. Prioritizing sleep, bed at 10, awake at 7, morning sunlight on my face and eyes with my first cup of coffee outside. Your posts are so reassuring and help nudge me in a positive direction. Learning to care for myself as much as I care for others.
*protein, not prose. Although that sounds lovely too
haha - both good for one's health 😉
Thank you for this. It helps me to know that people are doing more than just reading these posts - but actually are taking steps! You are doing all the right things for yourself - and, as a result, I believe you will be a better caregiver and spouse. All the best to you, Karen.
What I needed most after losing a son to cancer and then my second oldest son to alcohol was my family. I found some peace and reflection on life through my youngest granddaughter who is in my life daily along with my wife of fifty years, Daughter and youngest son. Thank God we are a close family and share so much of life together.
I am so sorry for these losses. Thank goodness for family indeed. :)
Everyone should post this on their refrigerator It's a survivor -thriver manual in one page. Thank you for the exquisite distillation of the most significant wisdom and information on personal crisis management.
Thank you, Ellen. I know you know grief :)
I appreciate very much Dr. Lucy’s writings and always read them. This time I have an observation to make. The oposite of sel-indulgence is self-discipline and the oposite of self-awareness is self-ignorance.
yes
I am so very sorry about the death of your brother. I have often wrestled with whether a sudden loss is worse than a long and drawn out illness that results in death. Grief hits hard! I also feel as though it comes in waves, especially when you least expect it. When I lost my husband (Glioblastoma), the thing I remember most is how people immediately gathered around, but after the funeral, they seemed to all disappear. They picked up their lives where they left off while my life had come to a screeching halt. This is certainly not meant to be a criticism; it’s simply the way it is. I didn’t want to burden others about how I was hurting, so I basically powered through it all. The best thing I did was to talk to a wonderful therapist, who I credit for saving me. There is just no right or wrong way to deal with grief or to predict how long it will last. Eventually, we will all be faced with loss and grief. My heart goes out to you with compassion for what you are currently experiencing. Thank you for sharing with all of us.
All of this resonates with me. You said it: there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. It is just that - a process. Thank you
Ah... what a year. Lost my dear husband on January 8th. My mom died on September 10th BUT my beautiful granddaughter was born on September 3rd. Perhaps life cycle events too tightly compressed... One thing I can not stress enough is how much the spousal grief counseling groups at the Wendt Institute helped me.
I am so glad you had that resource. The Wendt Center in DC is wonderful. Love to you.
The Serenity Prayer has accompanied me through many hard days. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you
This is a post to print and keep on the refrigerator/bulletin board by a desk, within reach for whenever needed. My condolences to you on your brother’s death, and thank you for sharing with us, and writing this post.
Yes, please keep it handy :)
Thank you
What a great post, my partner recently lost his beloved younger brother, and whilst it was an extremely difficult and painful experience for the whole family it most definitely brought us closer together as a family and there was a moment during the funeral when my partner was overcome by grief and our young daughter took his hand and put her arms around him and it was quite beautiful to see that budding maturity and compassion in our child ❤️
So lovely. I agree there is beauty amidst loss if you look for it. Thank you
This is a powerful post! Letting go of what we can't control really does create space for what we can focus on, like our reactions and choices. It is incredibly freeing to channel your energy into things that truly matter. This has made a huge difference in parenting my adult children. It took years of therapy and a wonderful support system that includes my amazing internist (: Thank you for hitting the nail on the head, again.
Well I guess I'm that Orthodox Jew you mentioned that's brushing off the Serenity Prayer. How I love its message!
As most of the world knows too much (or too little?), country (Israel) and nation (Jews everywhere) have been in crisis since October 7, 2023, which is quite a while. And it doesn't seem to be wrapping up anytime soon, either.
In my own Substack publication, The Healthy Jew, I've been sharing strategies for what I've come to call our "war for wellness" - the active choices we can make to live well during challenging times. I even just published my best insights into a book called "Land of Health: Israel's War for Wellness."
What I'd like to emphasize here is that living well under crisis doesn't mean getting everything right - that we can (maybe) do when things are calm. It's about doing something concrete to be actively choosing wellness for myself instead of watching everything unravel.
I myself haven't been perfectly following my own advice on how to eat, exercise, relax, and sleep. But I've been making sure to reach out for help, and every day to invest time and effort in my own health and wellbeing.
May you and all of humankind find peace, serenity, and consolation.
I share your grief, as I too lost my younger brother suddenly just before Christmas last year. I will keep your post in mind to help me get thru the anniversary. Love to you.
Lucy, once again, so timely and coincides with what I'm writing about. Have you heard of wind phones? I'm mentioning them in my next post: https://www.mywindphone.com/
The idea began in Japan and is now in the U.S., too. xo