You’re Only As Sick As Your Secrets
The mental & physical health toll of hiding one’s true identity
ICYMI 👉
As a physician, I’ve witnessed the health harms of keeping secrets. Take, for example, my patients who’ve hidden their sexual orientation or a history of childhood trauma. The fear of social stigmatization—and the shame around the secret itself—can be enough to make someone sick. This week I sat down with my friend
, a journalist, best-selling author, and contributor for NBC’s Know Your Value platform whose story is no exception. It illustrates the importance of truth-telling and self-acceptance for one’s mental health. (Her full bio is here.)Daniela immigrated to the U.S. with her parents and four siblings when she was a child. It was only in high school that she learned she was undocumented. The social and emotional isolation of keeping that secret took a serious toll on her mental health. It also defines her work today as she mentors others on the power of self-awareness and owning one’s full identity.
I met Daniela as an on-air reporter when she interviewed me for MSNBC’s Morning Joe during the pandemic. Today, she and I discuss how growing up with the secret of being undocumented played a huge role in her life and in her health.
LM: Daniela, you kept your status as an undocumented immigrant a secret for so long. How did that affect you, health-wise?
DPB: There were many different ways growing up undocumented - and in the shadows - affected me emotionally and physically. Aside from the tangible closed doors I faced because of my status there was a lot of anxiety, fear, and a sense of loneliness that I went through. It was amplified because I didn’t share what I was going through. Not much different from other people who go through difficulties or inner conflicts that they have to battle alone.
It was a constant fight or flight mode I had gotten used to. This made it hard for me to find ease, to go with the flow, and it created a lot of unpacked anxiety.
LM: Did you ever seek medical attention for anxiety?
DPB: When I was about 15 years old, I had severe anxiety. I had a constant pit in my stomach (an acute sense of adrenaline), uneven breathing, that was pretty much constant. My mom took me to a regular doctor (we didn't have health insurance at the time), and he said it was probably just “stomach issues” and sent me home without a follow up or any type of prescription. What I really needed was a mental health specialist. Mental health back then was not part of our vocabulary, so I went years - over a decade - without any mental health evaluations.
LM: Do you think it’s important for doctors to ask patients about their story, and how it relates to their health?
DPB: I think if the general doctor would have recommended a mental health professional back then, I would have gained coping skills sooner. The mind-body connection isn’t explored enough, and I think it is really important for individuals with trauma.
LM: Aside from granting you lawful presence in the U.S., what did the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program do for you?
DPB: DACA was an opportunity to finally come out of the shadows, receive a work permit, and live without the fear of deportation. Learning about it was a moment that changed my life in an instant.
But it is not a permanent solution. Many DACA recipients still live with fear of the program ending. It very well could with a new presidency, or if the courts overturn it. It’s been on life support for a few years now and it's already faced several lawsuits and an administration trying to rescind it. That anxiety doesn’t just disappear overnight.
LM: You’ve had quite an impressive career. At NBC, you went from being a page to a booking producer to an on-air reporter to co-authoring a book with Mika Brzezinski. How did you manage the stress of these roles?
DPB: I was pretty well-equipped to work in high stress environments because it was so ever present in my day to day life before I got into the workplace. Living in a state of constant vigilance gave me certain qualities that made me resourceful in life - it made me resilient, pragmatic, scrappy.
The more difficult thing - which is the phase of my life I am diving into my now - is cultivating more ease and joy. That part has been harder because it’s been unfamiliar to me. Turning off my survival mode. Saying yes to things, people, and opportunities, that give me value back and that I don’t feel the urge to constantly prove myself for or overcompensate.
LM: What techniques do you use to ground yourself?
DPB: I love routines now, they’re sacred to me. I try to wake up now with enough time to do a slow morning routine - take time making my Matcha, ground my feet in the grass if it’s available to me, take out my pup, burn some palo santo, and try to get in a meditation. At night, it’s dimming the lights a few hours before bed, making tea, trying to get off my phone (not always successful but I try). Also movement every day helps my mental health. I also try to stay away from negativity - people and situations. I’ve learned that energy is contagious and it’s important to try and cultivate productive, happy, grounding energy. Including through those you choose to surround yourself with.
LM: In your first-ever Substack post, you wrote, “Our mind and body have a way of whispering – or screaming to us – that we need something new. We become aggravated, unfulfilled, hopeless, or maybe even depressed. I speak from experience.” Why is writing and speaking about mental health so important to you?
DPB: Sharing means others don’t feel as alone. I’ve learned storytelling is powerful and necessary. We are so much farther along in terms of de-stigmatizing mental health than it was when I was growing up. That’s important because we can learn to cope better, have a stronger sense of self, and experience freedom from feeling trapped in our own mental health battles. Talking about it helps us process it.
LM: You recently founded Acceso, a community dedicated to access, opportunity and career. In your eyes, why is inclusivity and creating a sense of safety so important?
DPB: I love that members feel this is a safe space that holds room for them to share experiences (and advice) where they might not otherwise find it. It’s a mixture of career mentorship and a resource to better understand ourselves and the intersection of our identity and ambitions. It’s open for women of all ethnicities, all over the world.
Inclusivity builds community. It allows for peer-to-peer mentorship. Feeling like you belong and having the support of others helps inspire people to advocate for themselves and find healthier ways to get unstuck in their careers.
LM: What mental heath advice would you give to someone who is afraid to reveal parts of their identity to their family, workplace, or community?
DPV: You belong. You make this place better. Never be ashamed to own your full identity - it’s a gift and your superpower.
LM: With all of this wisdom, what’s next for you, Daniela?
DPB: This next phase is all about showing up for myself and my community - owning my gifts and my purpose - while doing it with joy and ease. I’ll never abandon my hustle and fight, but it’s time to create more space for lightness.
Especially for communities of color - there is a lot of generational plight we carry on our shoulders. But the truth is we deserve to be happy. For some of us, happiness and play don’t come easy. I’ll be creating content and sharing stories of that phase of my life, and interviewing others on the same journey.
Who knows what might happen with a little more ease, play, and joy?
I previously interviewed Daniela on my podcast “Beyond the Prescription.” Tune into the conversation on Spotify or by clicking the link below!
