The “Good Enough” Holiday: Tips to Abandon Perfectionism

Self-compassion makes a great gift 🎁

Dec 24, 2024

ICYMI 👉

I recently saw a patient whose blood pressure was sky-high at her annual checkup. Her EKG showed changes consistent with strain on her heart. When I asked her what was going on in her life, she broke down in tears. She explained that her job had been particularly stressful over the last few months. Intense guilt over working long hours and neglecting her family had propelled her to stay up late at night, preparing for the holidays. As a result, she was running on fumes. ”I just want to give my kids the perfect Christmas.”

person holding fire cracker shallow focus photography — Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Sound familiar?

This time of year, it’s easy to feel pressure to host the perfect meal, to give the perfect gift, or to feel the perfect amount of relaxed reverie. The problem is that nothing in life is perfect, and holding ourselves to impossibly high standards only sets us up for distress.

In 1991, psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gorden Flett identified three forms of perfectionism. Which one do you identify with?

Self-oriented perfectionism is having unrealistic expectations for yourself and being hard on yourself when you don’t meet those expectations.
Other-oriented perfectionism is holding others to impossible or perfect standards, and being hard on others when they don’t meet those expectations.
Socially-prescribed perfectionism is believing that others have unrealistic expectations for you, and that others will be critical of you when you don’t meet those expectations.

Of course, working hard and doing your best is a wonderful life goal, but if doing your best is never enough, perfectionism may be your problem. It can even make you sick.

How to combat perfectionism?

Managing perfectionism requires intentionality, self-awareness, and practicing evidence-based tools. Here is what I discussed with my patient:

Set Realistic and Flexible Goals

From a clinical perspective, perfectionists often set goals that are overly rigid or unattainable, perpetuating stress and self-criticism. Instead:

Focus on incremental progress. Rather than aiming to “always succeed,” aim to improve by 1% each day. Also be sure to expect days where you take two steps backwards.
Try adaptive perfectionism, which embraces striving for excellence while tolerating the natural imperfections of any process or person—including you!

Practice Self-Compassion

Listening to a a harsh inner critic affects our neurobiology. It activates the stress hormones, releasing cortisol and adrenaline into the bloodstream and perpetuating burnout. Compassion, on the other hand, has a calming effect. It brings the parasympathetic nervous system back online, promoting resilience and emotional regulation. To practice:

Put your hand on your heart and remind yourself, ”You are doing the best you can.” and “It’s okay to make mistakes—they’re part of the process.”
Imagine speaking to yourself as you would a friend who feels overwhelmed. Would you speak to your best friend or child the way your inner “governor” speaks to you?

Challenge Cognitive Distortions

Perfectionism thrives on all-or-nothing and catastrophic thinking. Restructuring these patterns involves using principles of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Try these:

Identifying automatic thoughts like “If this goes wrong, I’m worthless” or “it’s a disaster” and replace them with balanced alternatives:“This is an opportunity to notice my (loud!) inner critic and practice self-compassion.”
Reframing mistakes as valuable data rather than personal shortcomings.

Keeping a journal to disarm perfectionistic thoughts and to document the absence of any disaster when you give yourself a break.

Recalibrate Expectations

Sustained high expectations can drive chronic stress, which is linked to cardiovascular disease, immune dysfunction, and mental health problems. You can mitigate these risks by:

Evaluating whether your standards truly match your core values. Be honest—would you hold your best friend to the same standards you hold yourself to?
Allowing flexibility. A “B+ effort” is usually just fine in non-critical situations.
Learning to delegate and ask for help. Studies show that collaboration reduces stress and improves outcomes. Embracing imperfection in others also fosters connection and reduces personal pressure.

Practice Mindfulness

Perfectionism thrives on a future-oriented mindset. Mindfulness techniques help redirect focus to the present moment, grounding you in reality and reducing anxiety. I suggest:

Beginning with simple techniques, like deep breathing or a 5-minute body scan.
Exploring guided meditations or yoga, to combine physical and mental relaxation.

Seek Professional Support

Chronic perfectionism is associated with anxiety, OCD, depression, or physical health issues such as insomnia or hypertension. So be sure to ask for help if you’re having a hard time. It can’t hurt to consult a therapist or your primary care physician on these sorts of issues.

Final Thoughts

Perfectionism is deeply ingrained but not unchangeable. So—dear readers, whether you’re wrapping last-minute gifts, hosting an event, or planning a quiet night in, here’s to striving for a joyous holiday with the grace of self-acceptance.

What are you doing to be kind to yourself today?

Cheers! 🥂